Friday, 15 June 2012

On the NBA Finals, and "Prince" James

There is no more hockey on TV, so I instead watch a bunch of freakishly tall and awkward men try to throw an orange ball through a hoop more often than their reprobate opponents. The Basketball playoffs are in their final round, with the Oklahoma City Thunder and the Miami Heat knotted at one game apiece in the best-of-7 series.

And with Basketball on my mind, I am going to vent my hate towards LeBron James.

Don't get me wrong, you'd have to be a sociopath(I guess that doesn't rule me out) to legitimately hate someone you've never personally met, but there are just so many things about the man's disposition and actions on and off that court that make me want to punch a puppy. Probably a Chihuahua. They're ugly anyway.

Now, the man has plenty of haters–I have a ton of company in this noble crusade of mine–and you often hear the usual complaints about him:

He's Immature

He hasn't won a championship yet

Has seemingly ZERO ability to perform in the fourth quarter

These laments are all fine and dandy, but I want to zero in on one specific thing that drives me bat-shit crazy–His headband. Now, alopecia is no laughing matter, and I am certainly not poking fun at hair-loss,(One look at my old man and I know I will have a larry-davidesque shiner in 5-7 years) but LeBron James has gradually tilted his headband higher and higher as his career has gone on, trying to mask his receding hairline, to the point that it almost doubles for a chin strap.

That has Rotated more than Betty Crocker's Lazy-Susan

LeBron, you're a man. Just accept that your sweet shave is getting smaller and smaller in diameter. Do not try to hide it with smaller and smaller headbands. Your forehead is getting so big you could throw a wig on and call yourself Tyra Banks. Which could be a good idea. You might want to look for a career change after Kevin Durant puts you in his back-pocket and takes the championship, and Tyra does quite well standing around looking pretty. Just pretend it's the fourth quarter of a big game and the rest should come naturally for you!

From Alberta with disdain...

No comments:

Post a Comment